1-14. 욱하는 성격 때문에 자책하는 당신에게 : 감정의 불길 잡기 ★

XIV. From the gods I received that I had good grandfathers, and parents, a good sister, good masters, good domestics, loving kinsmen, almost all that I have; and that I never through haste and rashness transgressed against any of them, notwithstanding that my disposition was such, as that such a thing (if occasion had been) might very well have been committed by me, but that It was the mercy of the gods, to prevent such a concurring of matters and occasions, as might make me to incur this blame. That I was not long brought up by the concubine of my father; that I preserved the flower of my youth. That I took not upon me to be a man before my time, but rather put it off longer than I needed. That I lived under the government of my lord and father, who would take away from me all pride and vainglory, and reduce me to that conceit and opinion that it was not impossible for a prince to live in the court without a troop of guards and followers, extraordinary apparel, such and such torches and statues, and other like particulars of state and magnificence; but that a man may reduce and contract himself almost to the state of a private man, and yet for all that not to become the more base and remiss in those public matters and affairs, wherein power and authority is requisite. That I have had such a brother, who by his own example might stir me up to think of myself; and by his respect and love, delight and please me. That I have got ingenuous children, and that they were not born distorted, nor with any other natural deformity. That I was no great proficient in the study of rhetoric and poetry, and of other faculties, which perchance I might have dwelt upon, if I had found myself to go on in them with success. That I did by times prefer those, by whom I was brought up, to such places and dignities, which they seemed unto me most to desire; and that I did not put them off with hope and expectation, that (since that they were yet but young) I would do the same hereafter. That I ever knew Apollonius and Rusticus, and Maximus. That I have had occasion often and effectually to consider and meditate with myself, concerning that life which is according to nature, what the nature and manner of it is: so that as for the gods and such suggestions, helps and inspirations, as might be expected from them, nothing did hinder, but that I might have begun long before to live according to nature; or that even now that I was not yet partaker and in present possession of that life, that I myself (in that I did not observe those inward motions, and suggestions, yea and almost plain and apparent instructions and admonitions of the gods,) was the only cause of it. That my body in such a life, hath been able to hold out so long. That I never had to do with Benedicta and Theodotus, yea and afterwards when I fell into some fits of love, I was soon cured. That having been often displeased with Rusticus, I never did him anything for which afterwards I had occasion to repent. That it being so that my mother was to die young, yet she lived with me all her latter years. That as often as I had a purpose to help and succour any that either were poor, or fallen into some present necessity, I never was answered by my officers that there was not ready money enough to do it; and that I myself never had occasion to require the like succour from any other. That I have such a wife, so obedient, so loving, so ingenuous. That I had choice of fit and able men, to whom I might commit the bringing up of my children. That by dreams I have received help, as for other things, so in particular, how I might stay my casting of blood, and cure my dizziness, as that also that happened to thee in Cajeta, as unto Chryses when he prayed by the seashore. And when I did first apply myself to philosophy, that I did not fall into the hands of some sophists, or spent my time either in reading the manifold volumes of ordinary philosophers, nor in practising myself in the solution of arguments and fallacies, nor dwelt upon the studies of the meteors, and other natural curiosities. All these things without the assistance of the gods, and fortune, could not have been.

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마르쿠스 아우렐리우스, 『명상록』 읽기

 

오늘의 문장 (원문)

"I never through haste and rashness transgressed against any of them, notwithstanding that my disposition was such, as that such a thing might very well have been committed by me."

 

한국어 번역

"비록 제 타고난 기질에는 다소 위태롭고 까다로운 구석이 있었지만, 성급함이나 무모함에 휘둘려 소중한 사람들에게 상처를 주는 잘못을 저지르지 않았던 것은 참으로 다행스러운 일입니다."

 

문장 해석

(1) 철학적 의미

이 문장에서 마르쿠스 아우렐리우스는 자신의 불완전함을 솔직하게 고백합니다. 그는 태생적으로 완벽한 성인군자가 아니었습니다. 그에게도 욱하는 기질(disposition)이 있었고, 자칫하면 주변 사람들에게 화를 낼 수도 있는 사람이었습니다. 스토아 철학은 감정을 억지로 없애는 것이 아니라, 내면의 충동이 일어났을 때 그것이 행동으로 옮겨지지 않도록 이성으로 통제하는 능력을 중시합니다. 그는 자신이 감정의 노예가 되지 않았던 상황들에 대해 깊은 안도와 감사를 표하고 있습니다.

 

(2) 삶의 태도

우리는 흔히 자신의 성격 탓을 하며 괴로워합니다. "나는 왜 이렇게 참을성이 없을까?"라며 자책하곤 합니다. 하지만 마르쿠스는 '느끼는 것'과 '행동하는 것'을 분리했습니다. 화가 나거나 예민해지는 기질 자체는 내 마음대로 할 수 없지만, 그것을 밖으로 표출하여 타인을 해치지 않도록 막는 것은 나의 몫입니다. 중요한 것은 완벽한 성격이 아니라, 결정적인 순간에 멈출 줄 아는 태도입니다.

 

(3) 현대적 적용

과도한 업무 스트레스와 번아웃 상태에 놓인 현대인은 신경이 날카로워지기 쉽습니다. 직장에서는 가면을 쓰고 참아내지만, 정작 가장 편안해야 할 가족이나 연인에게 짜증을 내고는 뒤돌아서서 후회합니다. 이 문장은 그런 우리에게 위로를 건넵니다. 내 안에 솟구치는 화를 완전히 없애지 못했다고 해서 좌절할 필요는 없습니다. 그저 오늘 하루, 감정 조절이 힘겨운 순간에도 험한 말 한마디를 꾹 삼켰다면, 그것만으로도 당신은 충분히 훌륭하게 하루를 지켜낸 것입니다.

 

삶에 적용하기

오늘 유난히 예민해져서 누군가에게 날 선 반응을 보일 뻔했다면, 그 순간을 자책하기보다 '그럼에도 불구하고 참아낸 나'를 칭찬해 주세요. 나의 기질을 인정하되, 그것이 내 관계를 파괴하지 않도록 잠시 멈추는 연습, 그것이 스토아적 평온의 시작입니다.

 

오늘의 질문

"오늘 당신의 기분이 태도가 되지 않도록, 꾹 삼켜낸 말은 무엇인가요?"

 

출처

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1. XIV. (Based on the Public Domain text provided by Project Gutenberg).